Open letter to an ex-husband

Life is good, now.

7 years after you told me I wasn't good enough. 7 years after you strung me along for at least the previous three. 7 years after my world fell apart. The worst 6 months of my life living in that house with you, that had followed the hardest 6 months with an almost 8 month gap in between. 8 months that I worked every single day, either at my job, on our buildings, or on your campaign, and many days all of these. 8 months that I was saving for a special vacation for us, and making plans to change my name to yours.

This was going to be a private letter, but that would have meant I would have had to reach out and communicate with you as I honestly have no idea where you live. Yes, I could have done some searching, its what I do well as part of my new really good job. I don't want you to come up in my online searches, or have to see your name in my recent texts.

What you never knew, besides the revelations in the paragraph above, was that I cried every single day often in the shower for those last 6 months we lived under the same roof. Many times so hard I couldn't even stand upright. I was broken. I had nowhere else to go, and this you knew. I had paid 5 months before to move my few belongings to your house, but never was permitted to unpack them. I had to find a different company to move me out, as using the one I had the year before would have been humiliating, perhaps to both of us, and I didn't want to sully your reputation. You told a loan officer that I could run a business, not once but twice, knowing full well that in a few weeks you were going to sever our marital relationship and leave me to handle matters alone. You then told people that I had hired to do work that I was making bad decisions and choosing to projects that shouldn't have been done.

You told me more than once that you wanted to be alone, you needed to be alone, yet were seeing someone else weeks if not days after I was finally able to move out. I found out months later that you made accusations about me to other community members, publicly. Those accusations made me look very poor. They were very false, and hurtful and continued for several years.

Your house was never home to me. I had not one piece of furniture that was mine out for use, not one picture on the walls, of your 16 room house. I wore clothes multiple times because I was afraid that you would get upset with cost of utilities that were used to do laundry. We didn't purchase new towels, or get new sheets for the beds. I guess a marriage of 2.5 years doesn't allow for luxuries like that, of course I didn't consider those to be luxuries, I felt they would have been personal touches, to make the house ours. I did have my silverware in the kitchen and we used my plates and mugs. I think I left my good steel measuring cups, and a meat fork. I know that I left some of my Christmas decorations, but I didn't know how to turn on the lights in the part of the attic they were left in, and was given a short window of time to be able to gather them.

I was more than fortunate that I wasn't good enough for you. Because I would have kept trying to make you happy for the rest of my life, and that would have been an exercise in futility. Happiness comes from within, being honest with oneself, and open to the reality of what has been in the past and the present. These are not concepts you have the ability to embrace, and at the age you are now, not likely to discover in your lifetime.

I was able to learn truths about myself; reintroduce myself to my family; develop stronger friendships; travel; relax; learn how to ski finally; kayak on rivers, lakes, and ponds; experience a 5k as a participant; bicycle ride in Tercierra, Paris, Cape Cod, and Bermuda; visit my dad frequently; do a lot of yoga; and visit Iceland. I have maintained a relationship with your sister, and helped her pack your mothers possessions when she paid to move her halfway across the country to be able to provide better care and attention than you were giving.

For the first time in more than 10 years all of my things are able to be in one place, not scattered in multiple states or throughout the city I live in. I have not been asked once to sell or give away my possessions in the past 7 years, I have done so willingly to be able to obtain replacement items that were chosen together with a partner. I sold all of the apartments and don't have to worry every time the temperature goes below 10 degrees or it snows. I no longer spend my Saturdays filling sand buckets, shoveling snow, trimmimg trees, or cleaning hallways. I don't have to spend time off my first job painting or repairing things people have knowingly, maliciously damaged over and over again.

I have been able for the first time I can remember, have a home. A place to spend days and nights with items lovingly saved or chosen, with pictures on the walls of friends, family and memories together, and with plants in every room. I get to cook in a kitchen where meals and special items are shared and enjoyed with a husband who loves and appreciates me and our relationship; entertain in this home our friends and family; and enjoy a beautiful and comfortable yard that has been built together as a sanctuary and outdoor gathering space.

I love my life today. I love my (new) job and the life that has been built in this community. I love my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. I love my brothers, their spouses, children, bonus children, and grandchildren even though they are all far away. I love my dad and my in-laws. I love my friends and the experiences we share regularly. I love my daughter, her fiancée and their dog. I love my bonus daughter, her partner, and our fun grandsons. I love my husband and our dog. I am looking forward to many years of life, new adventures and experiences.